Friday, August 26, 2011

"Git Momma"

A woman in her fifties should not suffer ice cubes in her shower. This is a rule.

Hubbie forgot to read the playbook, and as I'm shaving my legs, a frigid wave of water hits my back. I jerk, check for nicks and then howl for blood.

"Dammit Rob, I'm too fat to have a sense of humor."

Quicker than snot, he shoots back, "You're too fat not to," and then the dog slides under the shower curtain and tries to catch my ankle. I go down laughing, but I'll get even. Maybe I'll turn the water off at the source the next time he suds his hair.

Have I told you Rob taught the dog to bite me on command?

Now before you twist your knickers defending me, you need to know, our dog is more mop than wolf. More lively than disobedient, and absolutely as untrainable as my husband.

As the deadly duo streak from the bathroom, I snag a towel and step from the shower. They leave me in peace for all of five minutes, but the moment I shove a toothbrush in my mouth I hear a shout.

"Git momma."

Simon's front paws hit the back of my knees, my legs buckle and I smack the bathroom cabinets. "Dammit Rob." White foam dribbles from my chin.

Rob is laughing, the dog is wheeling in delighted circles and I know with absolute certainty that Mom was right. By the time you get man or beast trained, they go senile.











17 comments:

  1. Sounds like you definitely qualify for medication assistance...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you Ladies,

    I self medicate with a glass of cupcake cabernet and a carton of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey you came back! Is that a smirk? Do you have a dog?

    ReplyDelete
  4. You have a great sense of humor! I WILL be back!

    ReplyDelete
  5. OMG, you are HILARIOUS!! I love your ability to laugh at life! Just awesome! I wanted to drop by and thank you for visiting and commenting on my blog. I really appreciate it. I'm your newest follower, cheers!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey I am glad I found you!

    This is a hoot and since my dog and hubby are always in cohoots I understand this too well.
    I too have written about it and I get no sympathy. You have mine. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Woke to an earthquake ... no wait ... just the maid. Sulked over a cup of hotel coffee and then logged on and, oh happy, happy, here's Joan and Why Not Meg?
    Ladies you have made my day! I'll be keeping tabs on you both :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. My dad had a dog once that liked to eat my moms flowers, shrubs and trees. The story is that coyotes ate it because when dad came home one day it was gone.....right. Any who, LOVE your blog, make me want to add some more humor to mine. Thanks for the inspiration!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thanks Amanda, I'm so glad you stopped by!

    Oh Lacey, what is it about Dads and wildlife?

    When the coyotes would howl, mine would say they were outside with salt shakers waiting for my pups to join them!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Haha, you're a crack up! That is totally something I would do to my husband :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Tamsyn, you are an intelligent woman!

    ReplyDelete
  12. You are absolutely hilarious--absolutely my favorite find in ages. :OD

    ReplyDelete
  13. No, this is my luck day. I just followed a cool button and found a talented group. :)

    ReplyDelete