Friday, September 2, 2011

"Masturbation." Says my mother ...

"Masturbation," says Mom, waving her spatula in the air and looking pleased, "is when people pleasure themselves."

 I freeze.

At twelve, I do not discuss bodily functions of ANY kind with my mother.

She should know this. As my mother, she should really, really, know this. I narrow my eyes. My sisters hold their collective breath.

Mom's lips twitch, her eyes sparkle and I am not amused.

My job is to ask for a definition. Her job is to point to the book shelf and tell me to use the dictionary.

I want to disappear, but Jinxso giggles and Beamer gives me a sly sidewise glance, so I stalk to the fridge and fling open the door. 

Mom turns back to the skillet and flips bacon. "Would you like to set the table, or would you like to ask another question?"

"I hate you." I sob

"That's nice dear, now set the table."


  1. Ha!!! Your mom sounds like me. I would do that to my kids. With a smirk on my face and twinkle in my eye. MY mom, on the other hand, would have given me one of her nursing books and hidden in her room while I discovered the truth. You'd think a nurse would be more comfortable with these things. I have experiences life through trial and error and nursing books. *sigh*

    Funny post!

  2. Way too funny for words.....we all had one of 2 mothers... the ones that like to show off their coolness by making you uncomfortable and the ones who preted you were delivered by the stork.

    Write more and write often.

    thanks for the chuckle.



  3. my mom, a mother of 11 children, was embarrassed by any such subjects...

    me, i am very open about said conversations with my own kids...

    great to the point story...

  4. Hi Ladies, thanks so much for coming back and for the great comments. I'm sure you can tell I adore my Mom, but I have to tell you, she and the Brat are cut from the same cloth. I suspect cloning!

    I'm on call this month and often stuck in my car, but I'll be spending my days off visiting your wonderful blogs :) See you soon.

  5. Great, so you call us clones on the masturbation page? Wouldn't that be sister number three? She offered to buy me a book on it for graduation...brat

  6. Well Dolly, a clone's, a clone. BTW you were four, so the book incident was much later.

  7. Oh my God what a hoot.
    Thanks for the afternoon laughs!

  8. My Mom? Not shy.
    My Dad? A beautiful blusher!

  9. *snort* LMAO. With my my mom and I it was the other way around. She would ask me questions about what I knew and then would walk away deeply regretting it.

  10. Mom's a trip. She does not possess the shy gene and she loves a good laugh. I wasn't amused at the time, but I am now.

    Thanks for stopping by.

  11. This is a good one! The trying times of a pre-teen, perfectly told!