Monday, January 30, 2012

Gravitational Offerings

"Would you like a breast lift?" Asks Rob.

"No way," I mutter, "I've seen before and after pictures on the web and it's not pretty." I glance at my chest. When the girls were perky, I stuffed them in coveralls, or hid them behind bib overalls. Now that I'm no longer shy, they've gone south.

"Okay."

Okay? What does he mean okay? I give him a narrow look, but he's too busy wrestling with the dog to notice. "So," I ask, certain he doesn't care, but determined to prove it, "do you want me to have a boob job?"

He chuckles. "Of course not. I just wanted you to know that if it's important to you, we'll find the money somewhere."

Huh. I'm not annoyed, but I'm getting close. "Where exactly did you get the idea that I might want a breast lift?"

He shrugs "I was in operations the other day and that's what the flight attendants were talking about."

Yep, that explains a lot. I start to laugh. "I was there last week as they discussed where the silicon goes when their implants rupture." He gives me a pained look and I nod. "Yep, some of them have funny lumps on their elbows."

He grimaces, gets to his feet and squeezes me tight. His chest rumbles and his shoulders shake. "Is that a nipple in my belly button?"

"No dammit," I smack his arm and tally up the price of a new bra, "that's my belt buckle."

83 comments:

  1. I can't comment... I'm too busy laughing!

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  2. LmBO... that was a funny piece of probable conversation! I love it!

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    1. In real time this conversation was dribbled through the day.

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  3. So funny, and so true. Gravity does have a way of catching up with us (or should I say down?). :D)

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    1. Hi Kat, welcome home. Hubby must be so relieved to have you back.

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  4. Just don't go buy those Ahhh/Genie/Wonder bras or he'll be wondering what's slapping him in the knees.

    Very funny.

    p.s. Thanks for stopping by - re that stain on the stainless steel - been there. Got it out with bleach on a rag and wiped it down. Stainless steel loves bleach - really shines. Even that brushed stuff.

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    1. Thank you so much. I was afraid to try bleach, but I'm on it. Wait right there.

      Yep, gorgeous, what a great tip. Now about the wonder bra ...

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  5. My story is that I wear a size 10 jeans if I'm wearing a bra and a size 14 if I'm going braless. *sigh* Boob job, if only they weren't so dangerous and I weren't so not vain enough to have myself sliced open so the girls could look ahead instead of down.

    You just crack me up!

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    1. Low & shapely has to be better than high & mangled. That, and I'm a chicken.

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  6. hahaha! Oh, that Rob. Always looking for a beating, it seems.
    You and your awesome dialogue. Makes.My.Day. :)

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    1. The boy's brain has no register. When I repeat his comments, his eyes twinkle and he laughs. Good thing I find him funny. I'm having your comments bronzed!

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  7. Do you think Rob would find the money for a breast lift for me then?
    No silicon just lift these poor tired gals.
    Will work for a boob lift :-)

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    1. I have a 'rob Peter to pay Paul' budget, so he better not bitch over the price of my bras. Forget lace, I like structural engineering.

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  8. And I thought I was lacking in tact!

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    1. Tact escapes Rob, but he has a good heart. :)

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  9. HAHAHAHA!!!! That man is living dangerously! ;D

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    1. He's safe with me. I know the inner workings of his brain. :)

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  10. haha very descriptive, your language is colorful

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  11. Hahaha! That's my fave post you've ever written! Do they REALLY have lumps in their elbows? I'd like to see that... :)

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    1. Yep, they were told the ruptures had nothing to do with the lumps, but it's quite the coincidence.

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  12. I have to do it! I get such a kick out of your efforts that I gave you an award over on my blog! Come on over and check it out! ;D

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    1. Dear Wily, I'm sending you on a month long vacation with Rob. How does survival camping sound?

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  13. oh, boy kelly!
    gravity has never been my problem... i was flat as a board...was able to play the tomboy role perfectly....until about ten years ago... i wanted to see what it was like to wear a tight sweater... see what all the hype was about.... LOL

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    1. Sweaters are overrated. I always wanted to be tall and willowy.

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  14. Hey now, what kind of belt do you wear anyway? cm

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  15. Your blogs should come with warnings. I'm not into snorting coffee....

    Another hilarious blog and maybe the funniest one yet. You are way too fun!!!

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    1. From now on I set my cup down when I read your comments. God I love to laugh.

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  16. You are too funny. I needed a pick me up, seriously, hysterical. You've made my morning. Thanks,

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    1. Brenda, your site is like fricken Fort Knox. I try the long link, I try the short link, I get nothing. I click on your picture and I get, well, your picture. Auntie Em I want to come hooome

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  17. Gave you a Bloggy awrd this morning. I know, I know, they are a PITA. Don't feel like you have to repost it but you can if you want, whatevs. I just wanted to pimp your awesomeness. :)

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    1. Yeah, well, I'll get even, but in the meantime check out Mrs Tuna's reaction to the versatile blogger award. http://workingwomansguidetodinner.blogspot.com/

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  18. Hey, if you don't want the lift, I'll take it. Mine aren't at anybody's belly button - they're sweeping the floor. I got dust pan boobs, I tell ya. Cat hair, carrot peelings, everything. Totally gross.

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  19. Yeah, I got a good tea snort too : ) You two are hysterical!

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    1. Proof that everone has a match out there. Oh gawd, shoot me now.

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    2. Oh that picture of melons!!!

      One poor woman in my town, had been called "Melons Xxxxxx" in HS. Something like that sticks. -sigh-

      Me, I never had the trouble. -grin-

      "Nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be."
      ~Joseph Campbell

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    3. Oh that picture of melons!!!

      One poor woman in my town, had been called "Melons Xxxxxx" in HS. Something like that sticks. -sigh-

      Me, I never had the trouble. -grin-

      "Nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be."
      ~Joseph Campbell

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    4. That perfect picture is in honor of Brat who used to say I had watermelons. Don't get the wrong idea, mine are normal, she's just a Brat!

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  20. My girls are headed so far south they've just penetrated the earth's core.
    Oh, nice to meet you through Dawn. I see you have her humor and I like that so I'm following.
    Happy weekend.

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    1. Insecure writers and chocolate, how could I not like your blog? Thanks for the visit Robyn.

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    1. Love, love, LOVE this! I laughed out loud. Thanks so much for the pick-me-up! x

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    2. We're all mad Alice, this is just further proof. :)

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  22. Oh, I'm going to have fun reading your blog! Mine is not as entertaining, but thank you for your comment and for following me. I hope you do find something out of it that touches you. Your style reads like a play or a tv show--the dialogue is so real and wonderful.

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    1. Your site is wonderful. You spin pain into love, I just dabble in the silly. Thanks for the lovely compliment Jeannette.

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  23. I must say, the nipple in the belly button joke is pretty great, from a guy's POV anyway :)

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    1. Rob's easily entertained, it's a gift. Thanks smile :)

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  24. Grandma asked Gramps if he would like her to get a breast enhancement. He said that's like putting a chandelier in a ghost house.

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    1. Sigh. Get your wife on the phone please, we need to chat.

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  25. Great. Now I have to stop myself from checking out random elbows.

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  26. LOL hahahaha Glad I'm not the only male that says these things

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    1. Ah Beezlebug, your business plan for weight loss is clever, but I'm going to have to bug, er, beg off.

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  27. I pressed this to my wordpress blog for some others to enjoy

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    1. That's so nice! Your humor shines through your blog posts and I gotta say, I love your avatar.

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  28. I love your page so much! i actually get a cup of tea and settle down with this!
    keep up the great work! xxx

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    1. Gotta respect a cuppa. I can't tell you how much I enjoy your visits and the fashion hits on your blog.

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  29. Bwahahaha! Thanks for the belly laugh, DGP. ;)

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    1. Oh dear, you need a job. I've been to your blog and there you were hanging out in a hammock, David Beckham was hanging out in ... Hey, can I visit?

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  30. Love your blog. I will be reading it regularly.

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    1. I enjoyed yours as well, but I'm still boggled over a $15 speeding ticket.

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  31. Found your post via a link from Sarchasm...very funny...I shall be back.
    Wait until old skin attacks.
    Hmmmm....I feel a blog coming on tomorrow!

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    1. I'm so glad you did and I'm looking forward to your posts.

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  32. I'm always happy I stopped in here. My girls are headed south, too. Boobaliciousness might be a great thing in Hollywood, but in the real world, the more modestly endowed are the lucky ones. Back when I was in high school, the trendy look was stick straight hair, parted down the middle, and willowy figures in itty-bitty halter tops. Yeah, none of that was me. And now, the south-for-the-winter-and-never-to-return thing. Huh.

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  33. Yep we're of an age. I remember that look on the trendy girls, but listen Beth, you can't trust a trendy girl, well you can trust Marsha over at http://thebeautifulvintagefiles.blogspot.com/ Oh okay, I'm just spitting sour grapes because I can't be trusted to dress myself. Course you've been running wet and naked through the halls so we all have our moments :) I'm so happy I followed your colorful link to GEB2. You're a great host!

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  34. The penalties of being female! We males are so lucky that there is no fashion towards revealing bits of our attributes, or having to do anything about it if they start to sag ... The mind boggles.

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    1. Hmm, hubby's body has it's entertaining moments ...

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  35. For Breast Lift Surgery in India I would recommend Akruti is best clinic for Cosmetic Surgery in Hyderabad and got best treatment so far i know and the prices too affordable, surgeon Rambhupal rao is member of Indian aesthetic plastic surgeons association is well trained in this surgery and he's the best Breast Lift Surgeon in Hyderabad

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    1. Er, thanks, but it's nothing a good bra won't solve. If I ever get to India I'll be chasing after Braja. She's the dusty spiritualist blogging at http://lostandfoundinindia.blogspot.com/

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  36. Really enjoyed reading this ;-)

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  38. OMW, this has to be the funniest blog I have ever been to - in my entire life. Never mind everyone choking on or snorting their coffee/tea - I miraculously inhaled mine.....love it!

    ~Sandra

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    1. Okay, that might be the best compliment ever. Bar the door, I'm about to follow you home :)

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    2. Credit must be given where credit is due and hell yeah, please do. :D

      Such a fab place this...is that the time? There goes housework down the drain again!

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  39. Hmm, I'll be beaming all the way to work :)

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