Thursday, January 12, 2012

Rant on a Hot Tin Roof

(Oops I failed. If I'd opened the story with my full blown, steam whistling, ear splittin hissy fit, you would have cheered when Rob calmly climbed down from the roof and took the ladder with him. Dad clapped. Mom approved. Sheez, you'd think I have a reputation.)

"Dammit Rob," belly down, I scootch to the edge of the roof, "get me down."

Silence.

Heat pricks my spine and a lock of hair sticks to my cheek. I can't believe he took the ladder. Who does that? "ROB. DAMMIT."

He's in the house drinking a beer. I can tell. He thinks he's funny, only the next time the sewer pipe needs to be snaked, he can damned well do it himself. I quit. At least I'd quit if I could get off the roof.

"Listen you son oF A ... "

The dogs race into the backyard and spin in circles til I groan. They look up, settle on their haunches and cock their heads. "Get Daddy." I tell them. They look at each other and glance back at me. I swear they're amused. "Go," I jerk an arm toward the sliding door beneath me, "Get. Daddy."

They bound into the house as I strip off dirt streaked gloves and judge the distance to the pool.

"Too chicken to jump?"

I jerk upright. Rob stands on the patio and tilts a iced bottle of beer to his lips. He's smug. Too smug for a man with a diminishing life span. "Get. Me. Down."

"No, I think you need to get rid of that attitude before I bring back the ladder." Whistling, he disappears into the house.

It's summer. It's Florida. I'm not losing the attitude til the first cold snap in November. When anger overrides fear I sit down, roll over and shimmy back to the edge. My legs dangle in midair, but I shove down the panic and kick back til I collide with the fence top.

Ten seconds later I barrel into the house, but it's quiet. Too quiet. And then I peer through the plate glass window. Rob's across the street chatting with George. The dogs are with him. He spots me and hoists his beer bottle in salute.

Why that son oF A ...

44 comments:

  1. This post makes me want to ask so many questions. What happened just before this scene started? Did you do something to provoke Rob or is he always this way. You could have been injured severely; would he have cared? Did he have a reason to abandon you up there, even a bad one? So many questions....

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    1. I'm only going to admit this once, but the lanai roof is only eight feet high, the fence is close and I am a huge chicken. I'm a sweet woman, really, but I might have been cursing just a teeny prolific bit.
      Rob doesn't yell, he doesn't get angry, he just pushed all my impatient little buttons.

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  2. I am with Kat...is that man still walking? He would have a severe limp if I had been stranded on that roof for ANY reason. I hope you are planning a payback, I hear they're hell.

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    1. I love it when my husband plays annoying jokes on me... NOT

      Joyce
      http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2012/01/writers-post-misdirected-ambition.html

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    2. Yes ladies, paybacks are great fun. :)

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  3. When Rob starts 'getting you down' (or maybe not down), the DRIFTERS have a solution for you Kelly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7F_opWg9_qI

    Seems you should be grateful!

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  4. Rob never gets me down, he just left me on the roof for all of five minutes.
    One of my favorie songs. Thanks Mike.

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  5. Replies
    1. Now, now Mrs. A. Don't scare hubby, it took me a long time to catch him.

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  6. Well at least you can get ON the roof - some of us can't even do that LOL. But boy oh boy is he lucky he is not MY hubby!!! Just ask my hubby!

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    Replies
    1. When I'm the storm, Rob's the calm.

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    2. Poor Rob....must be copping it from all angles....hehehe. But doesn't he know that men are never right?

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  7. I've forgotten where you live, but next time I'm in your town I'll come over and bust Daddy in the chops for you...

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Donald, but Daddy has nice chops. This wasn't my best post. I've gone back and added a disclaimer. :)

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  8. Replies
    1. Yeah, I love your husband. he has that, special, gene.

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  9. Quick way to earn a well thought out punishment.....hmmm. ;D

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  10. You are obviously not Sicilian. I'm a "leave the gun, take the cannoli" kind of woman.

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  11. I love the feel of having so much anger that I am not afraid of anything :P

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  12. I live in Florida also, and have a tendency to get dehydrated. When I'm dehydrated, my husband tips me off by gently saying "You need to drink some water....your neck is all wrinkly."

    I get upset about my neck and ignore the bottle of water he's holding out for me.

    Yesterday as I was pulling my spare neck skin up around my ears, he quietly said "Drink it or wear it."

    I ignored him, cuz my neck skin had finally pulled up so I could actually SEE it.

    The next thing I knew, I was WEARING the entire contents of the water bottle!!!!

    Husbands....gotta love 'em. It's illegal to shoot them.

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    1. Run like somebody left the gate open. Love it! (And I lifted it from your blog) Now ... lets see how fast Robbie can run.

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  13. ah, man. i feel for you kelly... i'd be pissed too... i really like you,

    but somehow, i really like rob, too....

    your words detailed him perfectly... i could just see that beer being raised up....

    something about this one... you two are perfect for each other. seriously. :D

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    Replies
    1. Yep, I've said before, the boy is twisted, but he's twisted in my direction.

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  14. Funny! You have the best stories! So much piss and passion! ;)

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  15. I was a bit offended when grandma said I'd be bored with a sweet man. Hah!
    (She didn't get to meet Rob. She would have approved!)

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  16. Leaving the wife on the roof? Now why didn't I think of that! I will drink a beer to you husband.

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    1. I know what you look like R. Jacob and someday, somewhere, you'll walk onto my plane. Hehehe.

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  17. Oh girl, you kill me. You two sound so much like us. You'll see in my post this week.
    You live in Florida? Jealous!!

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    Replies
    1. Can't wait. You always leave me nodding my head and laughing.

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  18. How did you kill him? Can't wait to hear!!

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  19. Fucker. You can even, he has to sleep sometime.

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  20. Getting even is a lifelong challenge. Can you imagine what he'll be like at eighty?

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    Replies
    1. Hey Gene Pool Diva, this is the only way I can comment here. And I hate, hate, hate this new Blogger thing. How is that for karma?

      Anyway, thank you for commenting in my blog. So I could find a place, where I don't have to *watch my tongue.* !!!! I used to read a lot of Mil Blogs, and anyone who has done that, has learned to be lose with language. -grin-

      But I'm mostly in Pretty Blog Land, and most of those ladies would faint if I dropped the F Word or etc. So, even thought I'm near 75, I stifffffle myself. But it's hard!

      No need to do so here, I see! Hooooooray! I can shit and WTF and etc., all over the place, in comments here. -evil giggles-

      But come one Hon, I gotta' be able to leave my own comment. How about making your Comment Setting to Pop Up? I did that, and people seem to be able to comment again in mine. but! I am NOT telling you what to do with your blog! Not! Not! Not!

      Gentle hugs,
      "Auntie"
      AKA Not your usual little ol' lady ,-)

      Delete
    2. Hey Gene Pool Diva, this is the only way I can comment here. And I hate, hate, hate this new Blogger thing. How is that for karma?

      Anyway, thank you for commenting in my blog. So I could find a place, where I don't have to *watch my tongue.* !!!! I used to read a lot of Mil Blogs, and anyone who has done that, has learned to be lose with language. -grin-

      But I'm mostly in Pretty Blog Land, and most of those ladies would faint if I dropped the F Word or etc. So, even thought I'm near 75, I stifffffle myself. But it's hard!

      No need to do so here, I see! Hooooooray! I can shit and WTF and etc., all over the place, in comments here. -evil giggles-

      But come one Hon, I gotta' be able to leave my own comment. How about making your Comment Setting to Pop Up? I did that, and people seem to be able to comment again in mine. but! I am NOT telling you what to do with your blog! Not! Not! Not!

      Gentle hugs,
      "Auntie"
      AKA Not your usual little ol' lady ,-)

      Delete
  21. Hello Auntie, you did a fab job, twice, and I did look at the pop-up comment box, but I like the reply feature on this one. I travel a lot and feel bad when I can't answer each comment as they come in. I know, I know, a disordered mind with a penchant for blogger punctuality. Love evil giggles, so stop by anytime -Kelly

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  22. Oh man, I don't know... I probably would have been similarly livid - and then laughed at myself - and then become livid again. Ugh. I would then have to come up with some sort of harmless, yet effective, payback. All in good time... :-)

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    1. I'm a giving woman. Payback will take decades.

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