Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Nudie Butts & Mental Ruts

Heaving a sigh, Rob slams the front door and collapses on the couch.

"Tough day?" I mark the page of my book and glance up.

He shoots me a look and runs his hands through his hair. The short strands spike up in wild disarray. "I went shopping with my mother."

That'll do it. I grin and, as Rob rolls Simon to his back and strokes his belly, I go to the kitchen and put a beer in the freezer. Not that pale wimpy stuff he buys, but a real beer, a nice dark manly beer, a beer with guts, cause shopping with Betsy ain't for wimps.

Last week I took her to Saks Fifth Avenue. In the junior's department, she found a three tier pink gauze skirt and pulled it on over her pink jeans. She matched, I'll give her that, and the sales clerks were polite as she wandered from floor to floor. She ditched the skirt in the men's department and we moved on to Chico's.

Chico's was a madhouse. Women clogged the aisles, but Betsy slipped through the crowd, plucking clothes from racks and handing them over. The pile in my arms grew out of control and when Betsy wasn't looking, I'd put a few back. She never noticed.

And she didn't notice the line of disgruntled shoppers waiting for the changing rooms.

I did.

Betsy ignored the line, went straight to the dressing room and attached herself to the back of the saleswoman clearing out the stall. A hush fell over the crowd. Throats cleared. Betsy waved for her stack of treasures.

I froze. Then I faced the crowd and did something I never did again. I mouthed, "alzheimer's," ducked my head and ran into the stall. In my defense, I was afraid of the crowd.

Rob heaves another sigh and the memory evaporates. I look up. "So where'd you go?"

"Where didn't we go. Mom wanted a swim suit."

Uhoh. I'm familiar with Betsy's nudie butt, but it still gives her son the willies. "So," I stifle a grin, "you got an eyeful?"

He blinks and shoots me a sour look. "That's not the half of it." He wanders to the kitchen, retrieves the beer and takes a few sips. "Mom knocked over the first rack of swimsuits."

I shrug. "I'm sure the clerks are used to stuff like that."

He studies me over the rim of the bottle. "She also knocked over the second rack. Two racks," he holds up two fingers, "she knocked over two racks of swimsuits."

"Happen's" I say, no longer able to hide a smirk.

He ignores me. "She finds a suit on the floor and takes it to the dressing room, but the dressing room is locked." He cuts me off when I open my mouth. "Before I can find a sales clerk, she strips."

"Out in the open?" I ask.

"Out in the open." He says.

"Bet you wanted to hide?" I manage before the giggles start.

"Who do you think was holding her upright?" He takes a long pull of beer and closes his eyes. "Two seconds after she stripped, the sales girls came back to the department along with a handful of customers. Mom's naked and I'm holding her by the elbow."

"Was she embarrassed?"

"No," he drawls, "she was pleased to find a new suit."

I snort and after a minute Rob starts to laugh.







46 comments:

  1. Oh, my! Much like shopping with a unruly, disruptive toddler... only the skin is whole lot saggier, I'm sure!

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    1. I got to remember to never eat or drink when reading your blog. Only the laughter helped clear the blockage. My mom's 83 and I can't keep up with her but at least she doesn't want a swimsuit!

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    2. We'll all be there someday and laughter helps. Thanks for the great comment Dannie.

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    3. Shopping with my mom after her brain injury was sometimes always an interesting outing - thanks for making me smile of thinking back to those times. Would give anything to be able to take her out just one more time.

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    4. Mom had brain surgery in 1976 so I understand the interesting expeditions. I adore my mom and I'm sorry you've lost yours. Have a lovely day Amy.

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  2. Oh, this was funny. I am a first time visitor. There's something about age that as you wrinkle and sag, your inhibitions leave.

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    1. Thanks for the visit Shelly. Now,about the marvelous red boots on your blog ...

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  3. Oh my goodness. Well, glad the suit fit! And um, bless his heart? And um, maybe you were right? LOL Gotta love a confident woman. ♥

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    1. Betsy was a super shopper and always stylish. Me too Jo, I love confident women, and the quirkier the better.

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  4. I have missed you, you funny writer woman. I love his mom's spunk, and no care attitude. Wish i was a customer that day. :D

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    1. My parents are here for a visit and I've been driving them up and down the state to visit friends. Then I get to work and they get to relax. What a bargain. Funny writer woman? I'm beaming, beaming I tell you and I missed you too. :)

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  5. Alzheimers...... That is so wrong.
    But, it's so genius and I am so going to use it.
    Wonder if it will work at Disney World?
    This was really funny.
    Nudie butts and all.

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    1. Pulling that line at Disney is just so, so wrong. Rob would be proud.

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    2. So...a wheelchair is probably out then?

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  6. I have missed you too. Without you I can't get my full quota of belly laughs! This is hilarious. Rob must be a saint to handle this. Love it!

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    1. Thanks Kat, I missed you too. I was really proud of Rob, but a saint? Now I'm laughing. Rob's no saint, but I adore his generous heart.

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  7. That was great...thanks so much for the laugh and then the next laugh...etc.

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    1. Thanks Michael, I appreciate your comment.

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  8. Bwahahaha poor guy I have shudder visions of me in the same predicament :)

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  9. Thank heavens I have a sister that can take my mom shopping ;-)
    I enjoyed this girl - can just imagine the horror on Rob's face!

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    1. Dang, you're already playing the sister card. Smart girl!

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  10. Oh I'm sorry to laugh but it made my morning.
    I think i could handle this better than the negativity I am about to walk into with my family visit Friday.
    I need a morphine drip!

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    1. Morphine drip. Now you're making me laugh.

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  11. Holy Oldtimer's Batgirl. I love your writing. And your elders. :)

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  12. Holy Oldtimer's Batgirl. I love your writing. And your elders. :)

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    1. Size Matters ...
      Loved the blog post Dawn.

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  13. Good thing Rob is getting lots of practice now! He may have to hold your elbows in a few years, and those suckers are sharp!

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    1. Are you kidding? When Rob goes senile I'm going to tattoo our address on his chest, drop him off at the beach and pay teenage boys to bring him home in the evening. See that? I got a plan.

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  14. What? There's something wrong with striping down between the coat racks?

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    1. Er, are we talking down jackets or mink stoles?

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  15. Yikes!! I don't know that I ever want to get to the point where I'm that comfortable. Good thing you have a great sense of humor! :)

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    1. Her brain may have been sending out mixed signals, but she was happy and somedays that's all that matters.

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  16. Hilarious. I hate shopping with my wife for reasons like that. She does what she wants when she wants. I'm not sure if she knows the definition of the word inhibition, lol. Sometimes that's a good thing. ;)

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    1. Uh oh, she sounds like Rob. Have fun and push her buttons,

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  17. Wonderful! Simply wonderful : ) After a few years of dealing with my mom I mastered the facial expression of "what?", when out in public. I loved this.

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  18. I want my kids to be this awesome when I'm old and senile.

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  19. They'll be fabulous, and if they aren't, you won't remember :)

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  20. I'm glad it wasn't your dad. Old men that age look like a frog in polyester pants only they cuss a lot more. Personally I can't wait.

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    1. No way Curmudgeon, I am skipping the polyester.

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  21. My shopping trips are always so boring.


    Lee
    An A to Z Co-Host
    Tossing It Out
    Twitter: @AprilA2Z
    #atozchallenge

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    1. I'm not a patient shopper. I like a quick, boring trip ... alone.

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  22. oh my gosh, I feel bad laughing…I felt tears swell in my eyes. You are amazing and your husband is adorable. God bless you.

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    1. Laughing kept us all grounded and Betsy was right there with us. I'm glad you stopped by.

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