Saturday, March 3, 2012

Techniques of Seduction

"Ooh girl, what are you reading?" Demands Tan Suave as he plops down beside Bodacious Barbie. Before she can answer, he flips the cover up and grins. "Ooh relationship how-to."

Tan Suave is dark and dangerous with glittering amber eyes and a deep throaty voice meant for late night radio. "Listen carefully," he says, "I am about to reveal how you should seduce your partner. First, you must set the stage."

He looks to see if I'm paying attention, so I shrug and close my book, it's not like I'll be able to tune him out.

Now that he has our attention he, stops to make a cup of tea and then, settles against the galley carts with his back to the ovens. "Candles are important," he says, "three candles in each room, not two, not four, three. They must be the same scent that you will use on your skin." He pauses to sip his tea, but I suspect he does it for effect.

Bodacious Barbie hangs on every word. "Then what?" She asks.

"Well," he drawls, "you must bathe your lover. This is a very important step. You don't want the oil from your skin staining the silk sheets."

Silk sheets? Oily skin? I manage to turn my laugh into a strangled cough, but he shoots me a suspicious look. I try a polite smile. "Go on," I say, "this is fascinating."

"Oh yes," breaths Bodacious Barbie, "please go on."

Tan Suave verifies that I'm paying attention. I nod.

"After cocktails and verbal foreplay, draw a hot bath and use the same scent you've chosen for the candles to perfume the water."

I blink. Verbal foreplay at our house is, let's go.

"Trust me," he pats Barbie's hand, "the rules of seduction are vitally important."

"Geez," I blurt, "Seduction is simple. If I want to turn my husband on, I give him red wine. If I want him to fall asleep, I give him beer." Tan Suave's brow inch up and he's about to speak, but I cut him off. "And furthermore, Hubby isn't getting clean sheets because he and the dog don't care about sand in the bed."

37 comments:

  1. Ha! Tan Suave. Good grief. How do you keep a straight face around him?
    Verbal foreplay at our house is : "OK, but I'm exhausted. So put it away when you're done with it."

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    1. I spend a lot of time walking through the cabin.
      (And plotting my escape and cracking up over your material.)

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    2. LOL.........loved this Dawn.

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  2. It's pretty simple, isn't it? "Hey, ya wanna?" "No, maybe tomorrow." Tomorrow comes. "Okay, good night." "Hey, ya wanna?" "Okay, give me a minute." "Okay! Don't take too long though, I might fall asleep." It's a wild ride around here! LOL

    Tan Sauva might be working a little too hard!

    ♥ it & u.

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    1. Right. Couple's shorthand is way more fun.

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    2. Glad to hear everyone else had equally romantic verbal foreplay. Yup, too tired.

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    3. Understanding the glance, or in Beth's case the adorable grin, saves sooo much time. Thanks for stopping by Sandra :)

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  3. I think I've forgotten what seduction is and now I'm too old to care.

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  4. oh, boy... i am feeling seduced.....

    wham bam, thank you ma'am works just as well. LOL

    as usual, kelly, thanks for my morning laugh.....

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    1. Hah, and I'd pegged you for a romantic!

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  5. Tan Suave sounds like a fake to me. I doubt he's getting as much as he wants you to think he is. Please don't contradict me--I need to believe this!

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    1. I believe it too and I doubt he's a cuddler.

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  6. Tan Suave clearly has not got a regular partner, or pets or kids...

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  7. There are no rules for seducing a man. Show him your junk and point to where you want him. It always works for me, lol

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  8. Obviously Tan Suave's charm was lost on you. I'm curious about why 3 candles! We'd both be asleep before we got through all that! LOL ♥

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    1. Screw silk sheets and candles, I fall for humor and sandy sheets everytime.

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  9. Sometimes all it around here takes is one raised eyebrow and an adorable grin.

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  10. LOL!!!!! Sandy in the sheets eh?.... WEll.. I for one love a little romance. Even if it's redneck style. ;D

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    1. When hubby is snoring on the couch, and dog is curled up on his very own tempurpedic mattress, I remake the bed and enjoy fresh sheets. Now, about redneck romance ...

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  11. Ha Ha! Sounds like Tan Suave got taken in by a clever sales associate at Bath & Body Works: ) As long as there aren't cookie crumbs it's an all clear at my house.

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  12. Haha! Hilarious! Satin sheets are way too much work to clean AND way too expensive! Thanks for the fun! :)

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    1. Isn't that the truth. I got quite the giggle out of your COWS post.

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  13. Satin sheets? At least the dog hair won't stick. Loving this. And yes you can hike for my 50th. That would be awesome. Blessings!!

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    1. Excellent, I'm hiking and wishing you the best 50th celebration. Happy Birthday Julie.

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  14. A little heavy breathing is all it takes out our house. The question becomes, is it the dogs or the Big Tuna.

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    1. I'm only laughing because I have the same dilemma.

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  15. Such an enjoyable blog! I've awarded you the Versatile Blogger award. Stop by my blog at http://www.emptyhousefullmind.com to pick up your badge and guidelines for this award. Have a great weekend!

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    1. Thank you Sharon, I appreciate the nod.

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  16. Haha! this is funny. Extra super cheesy. My man don't need all that mess! I juss say, "wanna go upstairs when you're done with that chicken wing". And that is that! :) i do like fancy sheeys though...

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    1. Yep, things are pretty easy at my house as well, but I hide the clean sheets,I hate sand in the bed. :)

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  17. This was SO good! I'm sorry I was late coming to read it - I could have used the laugh last week. Wow - Tan reminds me of the saying: "Those who can do while those who can't - teach."

    If we tried to go through all those steps around here, the laughs would break whatever mood there was. Here it's pretty simple. I'll give her a hug and ask if she's feeling frisky, she shoots me daggers and I say, "I guess that would be a no" so I go wax the car.

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    1. Hi Mike, thanks for the visit. Shooting daggers doesn't do me any good, but let's face it, waxing the car is a hubby job. Well, around here it's a hubby job. Hubby cares more about the appearance of my car than I do.

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