Techniques of Seduction

"Ooh girl, what are you reading?" Demands Tan Suave as he plops down beside Bodacious Barbie. Before she can answer he flips the cover up and grins. "Ooh relationship how-to."

Tan Suave is dark and dangerous with glittering amber eyes and a deep throaty voice meant for late night radio. "Listen carefully," he says, "I am about to reveal how you should seduce your partner. First, you must set the stage."

He looks to see if I'm paying attention, so I shrug and close my book, it's not like I'll be able to tune him out.

Now that he has our attention, he stops to make a cup of tea and then settles against the galley carts with his back to the ovens. "Candles are important," he says, "three candles in each room, not two, not four, three. They must be the same scent that you will use on your skin." He pauses to sip his tea, but I suspect he does it for effect.

Bodacious Barbie hangs on every word. "Then what?" She asks.

"Well," he drawls, "you must bathe your lover. This is a very important step. You don't want the oil from your skin staining the silk sheets."

Silk sheets? Oily skin? I manage to turn my laugh into a strangled cough, but he shoots me a suspicious look. I try a polite smile. "Go on," I say, "this is fascinating."

"Oh yes," breaths Bodacious Barbie, "please go on."

Tan Suave verifies that I'm paying attention. I nod.

"After cocktails and verbal foreplay, draw a hot bath and use the same scent you've chosen for the candles to perfume the water."

I blink. Verbal foreplay, at our house is, let's go.

"Trust me," he pats Barbie's hand, "the rules of seduction are vitally important."

"Geez," I blurt, "Seduction is simple. If I want to turn my husband on, I give him red wine. If I want him to fall asleep, I give him beer." Tan Suave's brow inch up and he's about to speak, but I cut him off. "And furthermore, Hubby isn't getting clean sheets because he and the dog don't care about sand in the bed."