Sunday, April 29, 2012

Oz Knows Poop ...

... But he's never met Slobbie Robbie.

Rob dosen't care about the separation of manure and mayonnaise. He doesn't worry about the life cycle of a protazoa. E. Coli and Streptococcus are not his concern.

He tosses raw meat on vegetables and pounds his chest while dragging fish across my counters.

He shares an ice cream spoon with the dog.

Not me. I rant and rave and hide my desserts, but there's no escaping the dirty duo and their diabolical actions.

When I was little, Mom's dream kitchen was a lucite dome with a clear floor that could rise above the chaos. A big bubble of serenity where she could see us, but not hear us. I want one of those.

I want ...

"Oh no," I look out the kitchen window and spot the dog on the lanai, "he isn't ..."

"He is." Rob hurries out to coax our eighteen year old mutt into the grass, but he's too late, soft, viscous road apples are sinking into the outdoor carpet. He checks Simon's paws and then airlifts him over the mess and back inside. "I'll have to clean that up."

I smirk. I can't help it, last week I had a similar occurrence, only Simon had wiped out the tile floor of our bathroom. I'm grateful he missed miles of carpet, but not too happy to be first on scene. In our house, you find it, you own it, unless you can duck out of site when you hear the other guy coming.

But today? Today I'm busy with the dishes and that mess is all his.

Rob strokes his chin and when I lift the silverware out of the water, he snaps his fingers. " I could use the spatula."

"Oh no you don't." I toss the utensils back in the suds and guard the counter. I could never eat pancakes again. He grins and tries to step around me, so I thrust a finger under his nose. "Touch anything in this kitchen and I will hurt you."

He laughs and vanishes into the garage. After a minute, he reappears and trots through the kitchen dragging the wet dry vac.

Hands on hips, I narrow my eyes and watch his progress. I don't trust Rob, not one little bit, and from the expression on his face, he knows it. He hesitates.  "Keep moving Bub." I point to the back door. "Your destiny awaits."

He steps outside, but when the back door reopens, I stand at the ready. If I need to, I'll hit him with the spatula.

"Just using the plug." He says and ducks out of sight.

I grunt. When I hear the vac roar to life, I run out to the mailbox, grab the letters and race back inside. Rob is still busy and the spatula is still on the counter. I breath a sigh of relief.

Several minutes later he pokes his head in the house. "Hey, you gotta check this out."

Well that's fair. he did all the work, the least I can do is heap on the praise. "Wow Honey, nice ... hey, that's my favorite pot. You son of a ... "

"Slow down, I only used it for water."

I wish I could believe that. I'll never make popcorn again.










86 comments:

  1. Is this that Diet-by-Dishes-Debilitation I've heard so much about? The one where you slowly ruin one fattening utensil after another; like the popcorn bowl, and the pudding spoon and the ice cream scoop? Pretty soon, with Rob's continued care, all you'll find in your kitchen is a salad fork and a box of toothpicks (they're no good for picking up "viscous road apples" anyway)!

    Now if you Kelly, promised to clean up after Simon forever and ever, you could keep your utensils (and I'd get that 50 bucks from Rob!).

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  2. Training utensils in a woman's arsenal start and end with a marble rolling pin.

    And with two accidents in the last year, Simon has a break track record then He Who Must Stay Out of the Kitchen :)

    P.S. Viscous is sticky, thick ... never mind, you're in charge of toothpicks.

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    1. Okay Mike, I misread your comment. You can be in charge of the spatula.

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  3. I've used many a plastic fork and plastic bag for those occasions. Thankfully they are disposable.

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    1. I do my best to make sure Rob scoops more poop than I do.

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  4. Ughhh!!!! I'd be the same as you. I worked at a vet's when I was in school and had tp be the cleaner-upper for faaarrrrr too much of that.

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    1. Aww, we love the vet, but so glad you've moved on from janitorial duties.

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  5. I found this all very amusing. I bet you didn't find it so, but someday you'll look back on these memories and recall these times with fondness.

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    1. There's something wrong with me Stephen, I almost always find Rob amusing.

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  6. Ha ha ha ha! Thank you so much for coming by today which made me come here! What a funny story!

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    1. Thanks Kimberly, tonight I'll be snacking on your excellent aspargus recipe.

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  7. Oh my gosh! gross and kinda funny at the same time!

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    1. You've just summed up my husband, kinda gross and funny. Thanks for the visit Anna.

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  8. Oh Kelly, I have a similar problem in my home. I must at all costs guard my utensils! Roomy would for sure think Rob had the right idea and if not for my vigilance, I would be left with only disposable everything! He also thinks RINSING is good enough!!!!!
    YIKES, this is why I do all the cleanup, even after he has cleaned up. He only bakes once a year and I get migraines if I walk into the kitchen while he's baking. I feel your pain and honestly find it hard to laugh at this post, though I know others will see the humor. They all do in my family. LOL

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    1. Rob doesn't read the comments Jo, so I'm gonna come clean. I have my own private stash of pots and pans that I cook all kinds of interesting, toxic & potentially lethal ingredients for various hobbies. Course if he puts lye on the stove, I'll brain him.

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  9. I was, unfortunately, able to imagine every action throughout that post. This left me rather amused and equally disturbed! :-p
    --ma

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    Replies
    1. I'm sensing a kindred spirit. Tell me more about that laser Michael.

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    2. ahhh, the LASER! My mom worked as a technician for a company called Newport Corporation. My Step-dad is a Nuclear Physicist. So in High School, I said I wanted to do something with LASERs. My mom's boss offered to tutor me and we landed on the idea of Holographic interferometry.
      My parents bought me a $2000 LASER from Newport Corporation and my Mom's boss helped me setup a holography lab in my garage. I spent months, doing geek stuff out there and went to the State Science fair every year.
      Can you believe I never finished college after all of that. Stupid of me! Oh well.

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  10. Highly entertaining! Life would be dull without a bit of poo drama :-)

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    Replies
    1. Yep, poop happens. Thanks for the visit Lily, I love the way you write.

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  11. Typical Day at the Allen household

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    1. Tomorrow will be peaceful. Tomorrow I'm sending Rob to Tallahassee. So, you're staying in which hotel?

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  12. I don't care if I never see another pile of poop in my life...

    I suppose we all have our share of poo stories!

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    1. With a puppy in the house you'll be a champion pooper-scooper in no time. That, or con your love ones :)

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  13. thanks for stopping by, sugar! i always worry when the husband (aka MITM-man in the moon) comes in from outside and takes a kitchen utensil outside...ex., dead squirrel, kitchen tongs, draw your own conclusion! ;~) xoxoxo

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    1. And that's all it takes for me to remember my mom, a pair of tongs and a deceased rabbit. I need mental help.

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  14. lol... great anecdote :)

    Thanks for dropping in at the hearth. Hope you find something of interest there ;)

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    1. That sixteen letter Z word is worth a visit. Thanks for following me home Mark.

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  15. Rest in Piece, popcorn bowl. We hardly knew ye.

    -Barb the French Bean

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    Replies
    1. I just bought a hot air popper. I'd like to see what he could do with that. Er, on secong thought ...

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  16. I LOVE that picture!
    Well, I would. Considering what graces the front of MY blog.

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    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you approve, the picture on your blog is awesome. Course, once my sister finds out, I'll be in the dog house.

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  17. I know it's a hassle, but it was still funny! I'm the designated cleaner, scraper, anti-bacterial user in my house. Seriously, how can anyone but up a chicken right on the counter top! And then only clean it with a sponge and dishwater? I may be just a little OCD, but I just HAVE TO clean that counter top deeply...

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    1. OCD? Maybe, but I think it's the attention to detail, and an artistic eye, that has you producing such lovely pictures.

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  18. LOL Hahaha. Spatulas are so useful. Bet he's used it before :)

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  19. Hahah! Funny story! And sorta gross. Those are the best kind. :)

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    1. Nothing beats a snotty woman with a nose hair. Crystal, your post was hilarious.

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  20. I also used to hide my desserts, but I don't have a dog - just two 20+ boys! This was very funny, and you're smart to have extra pots and pans for these moments! I agree with Al, your picture is priceless! Julie

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    1. Two legged creatures or four, it's alway important to hide the chocolate. Twenty Z's, I stand in awe.

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  21. Great post! (and I want a Lucite kitchen now...........)

    will be back to read more. :)

    best,
    MOV

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    1. Thanks, I enjoyed your TV Dinner post. very clever.

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  22. Hey, Kelly. I was eating popcorn while reading... thought I would die and shot a few kernels across the room. So funny.

    That pic at the top-- I had a sailboat with three kids and a wife and I made sure the bathroom was used only for storage. A man's got to breath.

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    1. Rob hauled his boat home from the dealership and announced the porta potty had to go. Guess who won that argument.

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  23. I would scream if my spatulas were abused. I destroyed all of my cheap ones leaving the Pampered Chef versions.

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    1. I'm not investing in the good stuff til I have locks on the cabinets.

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  24. ok - too funny, but ya, i thought the pic at the top was going to be the story... and was actually dreading to hear about it. Our pooch has done worse. She peed on our sofa twice! Not once, but twice --- in the same spot. She is now only a leash dog. ~ Renae Ps. that's better than a dead dog. (i love her, but she is very trying)

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    1. What we won't do for our pets. As old as Simon is, I'm amazed we don't have more land mines.

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  25. I did a post for Y for the A-Z challenge on Saturday about my little guy peeing on the curtains. I omitted peeing on the corner of the couch too ::sigh:: Just say no to popcorn ;)

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    1. The yorkie. That was a funny post, but wait right there, I'm headed to your house for stuffed zucchini.

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  26. Life is half Ice cream and half poop. Apparently it's your job to keep the spoon in the ice cream.

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    1. I smart girl. I buy one carton for hubby and pooch and then find a flavor they dislike and hide it for myself.

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  27. Ha, another "laugh at it" happening. Love the designate kitchen implements. How can you keep a home without favorite kitchen implements. By the way, I just bought a cute little ladle at Big Lots.

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    1. In the house I design, right after I win the lottery, my favorite feature will be the lock on the door. Don't worry, Rob has a fridge in the garage.

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  28. Spatula? PIsh. It's a pooper scooper, Diva! Just like the clean dish towel in the kitchen is really a floor wipe. A separate plate for raw meat and cooked meat? Why bother? Live a little!
    Oh how I love it when Rob screws up. :)

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    1. At six am this morning, Rob got to collect a urine sample from the dog. I handed over the tuperware and I've been grinning all day.

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  29. erma bombeck lives!

    hahahaha, great write and fun read. i imagine you would have a field day with writing prompts :^)

    nice to make your acquaintance

    xoxo
    kj

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    Replies
    1. I'm so entranced with Renee's Book of Love. Thanks for the visit kj. Hugs kelly

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  30. UGH, that is gross. We just get a big wad of toilet paper or paper towel and dispose of it. It would never enter my head to use something I prepare food with. My husband would have a coronary if I did. LOLOLOLOL But I wouldn't, so he is safe.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. It would never enter my head either, but, I know the way Rob's brain works!

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  31. LOLOL i love ROB!!! the reason we have contact precautions in the world..so recognize the medical aspects of your post..and STILL LOL!

    Yes, live life FULLY and w/o worry....amen

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    1. I love him too. I'm not a germaphobe, I just don't want to be home when he gets creative.

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  32. Why do they do these things?! I don't even know where our good pitcher is and the dog is wearing my Guerlain perfume. Guard that spatula with your life.

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  33. Well, this is a poopy subject, but your mutt is 18 years old and...bless his heart! We have plenty of carpet cleaner on hand for accidents!

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    1. Old plumbing does interesting and diabolical things, but we're still impressed with his ability to scoot out the dog door and hit the grass ... mostly.

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  34. Except for the very rare occasion when I have no choice but to do it, I leave all pet-mess cleaning to the hubs. And yeah, I have to guard my stuff, too. Men are very odd creatures.

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  35. Lucky for me - both Steve and I are soap and water and the proper tool for the job kind of people. This was really something and your patience and outlook are great!

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    1. Rob never met an idea he didn't like and I'm not sure he could provide a definition for proper but he' entertaining.

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  36. This made me laugh... but truly I am an extremely picky person in the kitchen. If there are crumbs in the butter, I will scoop off whatever layer is necessary to get under it and throw that layer away. If it is in the mayo... I don't eat it. Cross contamination is a word I learned while I was cooking for a living, and rules, like many things stick once they are in my head. Germs... on food??? NOPE I wouldn't eat any more popcorn either!

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    1. I hide my stick of butter and have a lot to say when I find asparagus tips in the mayonnaise jar.

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  37. oh lol popcorn will never taste the same again. Enjoyed your post.

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    1. I have a never ending supply of fresh sponges ... just in case.

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  38. thanks for a friday afternoon laugh, kelly... :D

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  39. Ugh.

    Catch My Words
    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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  40. LOL I saw your 'about me' and had to take a look. I'm glad I did. Funny post because I fail to see the problem :D

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    1. Oh? *Gulp*
      I'm sensing a kindred spirit.

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  41. Too funny! And really gross!

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    1. Well, I won't let him near the stapler!

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  42. I think I would fit Rob with a GPS that beeps constantly. That way you could see where he is going and intercept him. Fun read.

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