Saturday, August 17, 2013

Ignominious Maximus

   "Ah man, you fell off the step stool, I thought you fell off the ladder." 

   Unimpressed, J.T. folds his arms over his little chest and stares at me. "I heard you scream."

   He's trying not to smile so I narrow my eyes.

   He blows a raspberry. "Last time I fell off my bike, I did three complete back flips and two cart wheels."

   "What?"

   "BMX." He throws his hands in the air and slants a look at Rob before turning his attention back to me. "You need to man up."

   "Man up? I did not fall off the step stool, I slipped off the counter, flipped in the air and landed on the handle of the step stool. That's three feet high and I smacked my head on the towel rack." Dubious, he trots into my bathroom to check. "Okay fine," I yell, "thirty-two inches, that's the standard height of a counter." I think, but J.T. at eleven has strong opinions, which I try to thwart when possible.

   "That's not very high." He says, returning to the living room and taking a seat on the couch. "I fell sixty-two feet out of my neighbors tree and I was fine."

   "Does your mother know where you are?"

   He gives me a look. "No really, the tree was sixty-five feet tall and I was at the top." I rub the goose egg on my nether region and roll my eyes. "Like I said," he smirks, "you need to man up."

   "Uh huh." Annoyed and a little sore, I head back to the bathroom, climb onto the counter, and tackle the trim work around the mirror. Why waste a pan of fresh paint. Finished, I climb back down and rub my fanny. The goose egg has doubled in size. I pour a glass of wine, settle into the recliner with a large bag of frozen peas, and google bruises. I ignore the pain. Until it drives me to the floor. The bump is now the size of a softball but I'm sure it'll stop swelling soon.

   "That's impressive," says the E.R. doc. I've seen a lot of compartmental contusions but never in that precise location." He takes out a pen. "Mind if I mark your skin?"

   "Go right ahead." Now that someone else is worried, I feel better.
   
   "The line of demarcation is quite something." He strokes his chin and leans against the counter. "Give me a moment, I want to consult with a specialist."

   Great. Belly down on the exam table, I adjust the back side of my gown and prop my chin on my hands. Five minutes later the doc is back with a prescription for pain killers and instructions to see a specialist on monday if the swelling continues.

   "I have a flight on Sunday."

   "Absolutely not."

   He looks ready to argue so I say. "That won't hurt my feelings, I'm a flight attendant." He grins.

   By Monday, the bruise has eclipsed the pen marks by five or six inches and spreads from my inner thigh, over my glutes, and out to my hip. The swelling has stopped but I can barely move, let alone sit down. I make the call.

   "Where did you say the bruise was?"

   I inhale. "On my Ass."

   The receptionist laughs. "Okay then, I can squeeze you in at 11:30."

   "Well," says the specialist, "you'll be out of work for three or four weeks and I suggest physical therapy."

   "For my butt?" I'm flabbergasted. "I came in because I'm worried about flying and blood clots."

   To his credit, he doesn't laugh. "You could fly, blood clots aren't the issue and I suspect, judging from the location, you shouldn't have too many issues, but you can't do your job. A little heat, a little massage and you'll heal quicker."

   "Amazing." The P.T. doc rotates my leg, presses on tendons and shakes his head. "That's quite the contusion but your joints are fine." 

   Back home, I'm hobbling to the door when J.T. rides up on his bicycle. "So what did the Doc say?"

   "He said I'll live."

   "Going to work tomorrow?"

   "Nope." I say, then realize my mistake as J.T. grins, slips past me into the house and grabs the remote. "Cool. Lets watch Spongebob."

   Great, now I really have to man up.








 




43 comments:

  1. Ouch! And Spongebob should add plenty of insult to injury... if J.T. doesn't do it first.

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  2. Looking at that picture, it causes me to think...I try THAT at the beach and they go all nuts and call the cops on me.
    Hope your butt feels better.
    Golly, that's something I rarely write.

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    1. Oh please, I've seen you sitting on the curb behind the trashcans.And the throne ... don't even get me started. Thanks for the visit Al.

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  3. Lol This was funny. I hope it's fiction though! If not, so sorry for the laugh but well done.

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    1. It's real and four week later I'm still sitting on a pillow but I didn't break anything and yes, I find it funny too.

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  4. I didn't know you could get google bruises in a bag with peas!

    I am still hoping to steal your marvelous style Kelly; so I can be rich and famous some day too. Or at least well loved and admired in the literary world.

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    1. You stinker. You knew I'd go back and reread that sentence!

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  5. Ouch! Hope you are on the road to recovery. You have a tough audience there as far as gaining sympathy. Maybe you should stay off counters in the future.

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    1. My silly injuries are always a marvelous opportunity to write. I ... um, I finished a lot of puzzles.

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  6. This was a great read. I can just imagine how painful that bruising and swelling must have been.

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    1. Murees, I'm sending you good thoughts and best wishes on your submission.

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  7. lol just keep coming back to it. Would like to use it in the upcoming issue of The Woven Tale Press: http://woventalepress.com
    email me at woventalepress@gmail.com referencing this URL if interested.
    Sandra

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    1. You're sweet, but what draws you back is probably all the misplaced commas.

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  8. Bless your little ass! OUCH! I do hope it heals all better and you can sit without grimacing soon.

    And as for J.T., I might have been tempted to ban Sponge Bob from my house until the healing process was complete. Why suffer alone?

    Just sayin'...♥

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    1. Hanging out with J.T. is like hanging out with mini Rob, and I get bored, but one hour of Spongebob and I send him home.

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  9. What, no pictures? Nothing worse than hurting when you sit. Feel better quick!

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    1. Oh I have pictures. They're just not leaving the house :)

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  10. Oh no! Ridiculous injuries are my specialty, but yours is impressive. Heal quickly!

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    1. No lasting harm, but the bump is tenacious. Enjoy the day Sylvia

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  11. My poor, poor Kelly Louise! So sorry about the hit you took to ...to...your ass!
    A little bit of SpongeBob'll do wonders for ya, though.

    So, so amazingly written, my friend. You are still the master of dialogue, though apparently, you could use help on the step-stool. ;)

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    1. I still glare at the step stool before I use it and I glare at Rob for not pulling the tape off the ceiling, cause I know where I'll need to paint next.

      Now about, You Have Lip Stick on Your Teeth, you know I flipped straight to your story. I read it, then I read it to Rob, then I spent a frustrating ten minutes explaining why a happy cell phone was not a good idea. You sister, are hilarious!

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  12. OMG, you poor thing. It sounds like you practically broke your ass!! Hope you heal quickly and feel better soon.

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    1. Your play list is great and you know which title made me laugh.

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  13. Ha Ha! Oh Lord! Enjoy the break anyway, even if it does involve SpongeBob : )

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    1. Lots of SpongeBob but I'm back at work. If your flight attendant sits on a blue pillow, say hi.

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  14. My goodness, no wonder it was painful. At least you had SpongeBob :)

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  15. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob. Spongebob.

    Thanks for the visit Paula.

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  16. Did you cry? i SOOOOoooo would have cried. THIS IS HORRID, yet written so well...YOU are a TROOPER!!!!!!!

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    1. One good screech and a small blue streak :)

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  17. Unlucky to have such a response to the fall.

    Both physiological and familial.

    I would recommend Arnica cream, it greatly speeds up the healing of such injuries.

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    1. The flight was fun, the descent tricky, and the landing problematic, but no lasting damage. Thanks for the tip.

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  18. I myself will be watching in the shadows as your blog is a story telling vibe and at this point I want to start writing new styles, expand from the poetry. when I get a form of writers block, I know who to visit.

    bzzzzzz

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    1. And when I need a shot of brilliance, I know who to visit.

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  19. Ouch.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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  20. very funny as usual. I am refraining from using all the butt jokes that came to mind.
    danger will robinson danger, watch out for the attacking step stool!

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    1. Such restraint, but I seem to remember time you felt thorry for me. Hmm, maybe a rerun is in order.

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  21. Something that goes together well - Spongebob and pain killers. Ha! :)

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